Prologue

Dear Mommy & Daddy,

When I was a little boy, I tried hard to make you love me. I was the perfect child: I was never loud, never made a mess, my hair was always combed, my clothes neat & clean, my face & hands freshly scrubbed.

I always got good grades & I was involved in nearly all the activities at school. I was a good student, class president, a member of the drama club, editor of the newspaper & member of the National Honor Society.

I won many awards & achieved many honors. Most of all I kept up the image you so desperately wanted to project. The image that we were a perfect, happy family even though I knew in my heart it wasn't true.

I worked so hard, I made so many sacrifices in the hope that one day I would get my just rewards. But, do you know what? I never got what I knew I deserved. I never heard you say how proud you were of me. I never heard you say I love you. I never heard you say how glad you were that I was your son. And I was never able to steer you away from your self-destructive course in life. 

I have received a few gifts from you, though. You have given me the gift of guilt, thinking I was never the son I should have been. The guilt that if I had been a "good enough'' son, you would have been better & happier parents.

You've given me low self-esteem & I'm blinded from seeing the great & wonderful person I am. You have given these gifts as a legacy so that I may carry on the tradition, repeat the vicious cycle & treat my children in the same way you treated me.

Your son

Self–Esteem Inventory

DIRECTIONS: For the statements below, circle the rating which is most true of your level of exhibiting these behaviors in your life. Use the following rating scale:

SCORING & INTERPRETATION

Add the ratings circled. This score indicates the degree to which you are affected by low self-esteem.

SCORE  INTERPRETATION

0 - 30 Not affected by low self-esteem.

31 - 45 Traces of low self-esteem. Take preventive action to reduce its impact on your life.

46 - 61 Presence of mild low self-esteem in your life. Take steps to treat this.

62 - 90 Presence of moderate low self-esteem. Take steps to treat this as soon as possible.

91 - 120 Presence of severe low self-esteem. Take steps to treat this immediately.

121 - 150 Presence of profound low self-esteem. Take immediate step to treat this & seek out professional help to assist you in this process.

Impact of low self-esteem

Low self-esteem is at the root of behaviors which make your life feel unproductive or unmanageable.

The purpose of the 12-step recovery program of Self-Esteem Seekers Anonymous (the SEA's program) is to assist you to get life under self-control so as to feel more productive & successful.

Developing chronic low self-esteem takes time. It takes a series of events & a chain of habitual behaviors to dampen the sense of personal worth. For this reason the 1st step of SEA's requires that you accept a slow, steady program of recovery to overcome the low self-esteem which has resulted from your home, school, work & social life.

The SEA's program doesn't dwell on the sources of low self-esteem except to identify the irrational beliefs, repressed or denied feelings & unhealthy relationships which contributed to it.

What is more important in the SEA's program of recovery is for you to identify the negative impact of low self-esteem which has resulted in your feelings of being out of control, unproductive & a loser in life.

What follows is the description of the negative impact of low self-esteem. To assist your understanding, use the flow chart in Figure 1 as you read this description.

Low self-esteem has its roots in a number of life circumstances. If you come from a family of origin where your mom &/or dad had problems with:

• alcohol
• drugs
• mental illness
• inability to show warmth & affection
• being overly critical
• rigidity of religious belief
• workaholism

then in all likelihood your self-esteem suffered.

If you were:

• physically abused
• emotionally abused
• verbally abused
• sexually abused 
• neglected

by:

• a parent
• a brother 
• a sister
• an adult caregiver
• your spouse
• your lover
• your friend

your self-esteem was lowered.

If, in a relationship with a parent, a family member or spouse, you worked hard to overcome the other person's irresponsibility & yet no matter what you did it was "never good enough'' to fix the other person's problems, this "codependent" relationship negatively affected your self-esteem.

If, on the other hand, you were dependent on another person to make things right for you, your self-esteem was also hurt.

If you were ever in a relationship at home, school, work or in the community which was disastrous & marked by ill feelings & bad will, your self-esteem was impacted negatively.

If you or a close family member have a developmental disability or chronic illness, your self-esteem was lowered.

If you've ever experienced a personal failure such as:

• failing a grade
• dropping out of school
• losing a job; bankruptcy
• divorce

your self-esteem suffered & was lowered.

The origin of low self-esteem is more fully explored in Laying the Foundation (found in the left column).

These sources helped to distort your:

• thinking:  Your thinking was affected by irrational beliefs not founded in reality but motivated by the need to induce guilt, fear, mistrust, insecurity & manipulation.

This thinking led you to believe that no matter what you did in life it would "never be good enough.''

This thinking led you to believe that you were nothing unless you "did something.''

This thinking didn't allow you to love yourself unconditionally for just being the person that you are.

• emotions: Your emotions & feelings were distorted by the sources of low self-esteem because you weren't allowed to express feelings in a "normal'' healthy way.

You were expected to always "look good'' in the public eye & not express anything negative.

You weren't encouraged to be overly expressive if you had happy or positive feelings. If you spoke up & conflict followed, you soon learned to keep the peace & avoid conflict by keeping your feelings to yourself.

The repression & denial of feelings have made it difficult for you to identify your true feelings today.

Another problem could be that your feelings are only expressed in exaggerated or explosive ways. Distorted feelings, be they repressed, denied, exaggerated or explosive, result in depression, a common feeling experienced by people with low self-esteem.  

• actions: Distorted actions & behaviors resulted from the distortion of thinking & emotions derived from low self-esteem. These behaviors resulted in unhealthy & unproductive home, school, work, or social relationships.

These behaviors taxed you so much that many of your relationships were void of health, stagnated, or dissolved.

Examples of these behaviors are need for approval, fear of rejection, avoidance of conflict, lack of assertiveness, poor problem solving, inability to develop intimacy & overuse of power & control.

resulting in lowered self-esteem.

• Tools for Personal Growth

• Handling Irrational Beliefs: Irrational thinking led you to develop negative self-scripts which keep your self-esteem lowered & make you feel bad about yourself. 

• Self-Affirmations

The issue of distorted feelings is covered in the:

• Tools for Personal Growth,
• Tools for Communications
• Tools for Anger Work–Out

The distortion of behaviors is covered in these books:

• Tools for Relationships
• Tools for Handling Control Issues

The end result of distorted thinking, feelings & behaviors was low self-esteem which resulted in the development of a personal behavioral pattern or role, we call old unhealthy personality traits.

These old unhealthy personality traits are compulsively driven ways of acting learned in family of origin, school, work, socially, or in the community.

You can have just one of these 9 patterns or a blend of them. You could have one pattern as a child, another one as an adolescent & one or more different patterns as an adult.

The 9 behavioral patterns are:

• looking good; acting out
• pulling in
• entertaining
• enabling
• troubled person
• people pleasing
• rescuing
• non-feeling 

These personality traits are explained in greater depth in Laying the Foundation. These unhealthy personality traits are the basis for your personality make-up. They unfortunately contribute to your lowered self-esteem.

In recovery the goal is to retain the positive & healthy aspects of the behavioral pattern & convert or eliminate the negative & unhealthy ones.

Directly related to these 9 personality traits emanating from low self-esteem are 7 negative behavioral consequences:

• unresolved loss & grief issues
• self-destructive behaviors
• problems with control
• unresolved anger
• faulty communications
• personal adjustment problems
• interpersonal relationship problems

Each of these 7 problem areas not only results from low self-esteem but contributes to low self-esteem in its own way & to your compulsively driven, unhealthy personality traits.

Unresolved loss & grief occurs when you repress or deny feelings. Because of low self-esteem & the need to "look good'' for others, you may have never gone thru the wrenching emotional response to:

• a death of a loved one
• a lost relationship
• a failure experience
• the inappropriate way you were treated by others
• your nagging doubts about the quality & success of your life

The loss & grief response is addressed in Tools for Handling Loss. The void in your life created by the lack of accepting & letting go of the loss may have created emotional barriers which affected your thinking, feelings & behaviors resulting in lowered self-esteem.

These behaviors both contribute to & are the result of low self-esteem. A complete list of self–destructive behaviors is contained in:

• Tools for Anger Work–Out
• "Self–Destructive Behaviors.''

A complete review of the self-destructive pattern & ways to remediate it are contained in the SEA's Tools for a Recovery Lifestyle. 

Many self-destructive behaviors such as overuse of:

• alcohol
• drugs
• food
• gambling
• or sex need specific & direct

help to overcome the addiction.

These behaviors can leave a devastating impact on your home, work & social life. They're often only the visible symptom of the bigger problems emanating from your low self-esteem. These behaviors require a lot of energy, persistence & self-love to overcome. It's almost impossible to eliminate these behaviors unless you fall in love with yourself, forgive yourself for your past self-negating behaviors & enhance your self-esteem.

Problems in handling control is a direct result of low self-esteem. In order to keep your sanity, you may have tried to over-control people, events & circumstances.

On the other hand, you may have found greater acceptance for yourself by being helpless & dependent on others. In either case, these control behaviors were unhealthy & negatively affected your self-esteem.

The road to recovery emphasizes letting go of the uncontrollables & unchangeables. It also emphasizes taking self-control over your thinking, feelings & behaviors so that you assume personal responsibility for yourself & enhance your self-esteem. The control issues are explored in Tools for Handling Control Issues.

Anger is a healthy emotion which gets distorted as a result of low self-esteem. You may have beliefs which block your expression of anger leading you to be depressed. Or your anger is so hostile & explosive that it hurts others.

You may have denied anger so much that just the thought of getting angry scares you. Because unresolved anger contributes to:

• a faulty belief system
• inadequate emotional life 
• unhealthy behaviors
• it contributes to the lowering of your self-esteem

Anger work–out, which is vented on inanimate objects, doing no harm to any person or thing, is a way to regain an emotional balance, gain emotional energy & free yourself up to love & enjoy yourself. Coverage of anger issues is contained in Tools for Anger Work–Out.

Faulty communications arise as a result of having received faulty communications role modeling in the past. Your inability to express feelings openly was due to low self-esteem.

The ability to listen to others & reflect back their feelings was also a missing skill. These faulty communications resulted in poor problem solving with a sense of failure & lowered self-esteem.

In order to gain new skills at communication, you need new role models of healthy interaction. You'll need to learn to focus on feelings rather than the content of what's being said by another person. An overview of a model for healthy communication is presented in Tools for Communications.

Your personal adjustment is affected by low self-esteem because you lack the self–confidence to believe in your own abilities & worth. As a result you have either worked harder to prove yourself or you have given up to a sense of failure.

Because of your low self-esteem, you have sabotaged your own efforts to be successful in life. You may have problems dealing with stress & burnout & don't know how to relax & have fun. You may have severe insecurity & lack of trust in self which inhibit your ability to take a risk.

You may find yourself going in circles with no way out of lowered self-esteem. Negative self-scripts may have you captive in a lack of belief in & hatred of self. Self-affirmation & changing old behavioral scripts not only leads to enhanced self-esteem but also to the ability to accept personal responsibility for a healthy self.

Personal adjustment issues are discussed in Tools for Personal Growth.

Relationship problems at home, school, work, socially, & in the community result from low self-esteem. These unproductive & unhealthy relationships contribute to the lowering of self-esteem.

Low self-esteem is often the root cause of failure of most relationships. It takes two people to make a relationship work & it takes two people to ruin it. Both parties in a relationship need to have healthy self-esteem in order for the relationship to be healthy.

If they don't, then the relationship has barriers to its growth & productivity. People with low self-esteem seem to seek out others with low self-esteem to establish personal, work, or social relationships. These relationships start out on a fragile foundation which often results in disastrous consequences.

As you work at loving yourself unconditionally & building confidence in your ability to sustain healthy relationships, then you'll attract healthy parties in your personal, work & social life. Interpersonal relationship issues are addressed in: Tools for Relationships & Tools for Handling Control Issues.

Low self-esteem has its origin in dysfunctional environments & other disastrous relationships. These negative situations distorted your thinking, feeling & behaviors which resulted in low self-esteem. As a result you develop an unhealthy personality traits which exacerbated your low self-esteem.

You then experienced unresolved loss, grief, self-destructive behaviors, control issues, unresolved anger, faulty communications, personal adjustment problems & interpersonal relationship problems.

These problems not only resulted from low self-esteem but also contributed to it. Low self-esteem has had a major impact on your life & stands as a barrier to your current personal health, serenity & happiness.

Recovery from low self–esteem

It has taken many years for your self–esteem to be brought to its present low level. The recovery process to enhance self–esteem is long and slow. You have developed old habits which are hard to break. You have fantasy dreams of the way things are supposed to be and these dreams die hard. The path of recovery, as outlined in Figure 2, involves a lot of work and effort on your part. There are a lot of issues needing to be addressed and a commitment to personal recovery is needed in order to keep the focus clear and direct. As you read about the recovery process, review this flow chart to assist your understanding.

There are a number of sources of intervention to begin your process of recovery from low self-esteem. The first is individual psychotherapy in which you, with your counselor, explore ways of correcting your irrational thinking, distorted feelings & aberrant behaviors to help you grow in self-esteem.

Because of the nature of your specific problems, you may need marriage counseling to create a healing environment with your spouse or lover. Your family might need counseling to accept the changes in you & to rewrite the rules, roles & behavioral scripts in the family which contribute to the lowered self-esteem of each family member.

You may need group psychotherapy to work on self-confidence, anger or control issues in an environment where confrontation & honest feedback are used as tools to help you grow in self-love & self-caring.

The next source of recovery is to get into a peer support group which advocates the 12 steps of self-esteem Seeker's Anonymous (the SEA's Program) & the & Buddies at SEA support process. These peer support groups provide you a laboratory to learn what "normal'' is, to learn to really feel & express your emotions & to eliminate self-defeating behaviors.

You may need a short term stay in a residential or inpatient setting to get you started in getting in touch with your feelings & expressing them in healthy ways. If you aren't recovered from the self-destructive acts of alcohol abuse, drug abuse, overeating, or gambling, you may need specific treatment programs to help you abstain from these habits.

If you're locked into a codependent mindset, you may need a 7 - to - 10 day program geared to you. Once you leave these treatment programs, then you need ongoing support for these specific problems in other 12 step programs like AA, NA, GA, OA, Alanon, ACOA & CoDA.

The professional & self-help sources of recovery are essential if you are to recover fully from low self-esteem. Individual counseling plus the SEA's program peer support model is a typical combination. The combination of professional therapy modalities & 12 step groups depends on the unique problems arising from your low self-esteem.

The first goal in the recovery process is to address the distorted thinking, feelings & behaviors which resulted from the sources of your low self-esteem. To accomplish this goal you & your counselor need to establish a trusting relationship in which these three issues can be addressed.

To correct your thinking, you'll need to learn what "normal'' is & to get in touch with what is reality in your life. You'll need to dispel your irrational beliefs. You'll need to identify, discard & replace negative self-scripts with daily self-affirmations. You'll need to let go of your intellectual opposition to the notion of a Higher Power in your life.

You'll need to define a relationship between you & your Higher Power that is healthy & works for you.

To heal your feelings you'll need to be taught how to identify & label your feelings. You'll need to give yourself permission to have both negative & positive feelings. You'll need to be encouraged to get in touch with how you're feeling about the reality in your life.

You'll need to feel the power of self-affirmation which results in your growing in self-love & self-caring. You'll need to open your feelings up to the healing of your Higher Power's will. You will need practice in expressing feelings & listening to others express their feelings.

To change your unhealthy behaviors you'll need to begin to act only on rational thinking & true self-felt feelings. You will need to accept personal responsibility for your own actions & no longer  blame others. You will need to identify your self–defeating behaviors and change them. You will need to hand over to your Higher Power the uncontrollables and unchangeable problems in your life.

As a result of corrected thinking, healed feelings, and healthy behaviors, your compulsively driven behavioral pattern can change. This will occur by rewriting the old behavioral scripts. In your new script you need to keep the positive elements of your personality and replace the unhealthy aspects.

You can change your old pattern by getting in touch with the feelings you have for too long ignored. You can "let go'' of the compulsive nature of your old unhealthy personality traits and work at thinking before you act. You can redefine yourself by letting go of self–defeating behaviors with their negative consequences.

As you work at rewriting and changing your old personality trait's self-scripts, you also need to work at addressing seven problem areas. This will be done in your counseling sessions, in the peer support and SEA's program Buddy support, by writing in your daily recovery journal, working through the Tools for Coping Series books, using  and doing aggressive anger work–outs. The goal of recovery for each problem area is as follows:

Loss issues — to let go of the unresolved grief over losses you have experienced in your life.

Self–destructive behaviors — to eliminate these behaviors and gain outside support to ensure your continued abstinence.

Control issues — to let go of the uncontrollables and unchangeables in life and to accept self–control over your behaviors and feelings.

Anger issues — to let go of unresolved anger through systematic anger work–out efforts and to recognize that anger is a healthy feeling with an appropriate place in your life.

Faulty communications — to learn how to focus more on feelings than on content by active listening, reflecting of feelings and problem solving based on the expression of honest feelings.

Personal adjustment — to let go of self–defeating behaviors and to adopt new, healthy behaviors by accepting personal responsibility for self.

Interpersonal relationships — to work on improving personal behaviors so as to improve personal, work, and social relationships.

The road to recovery is a slow and tedious one. It requires a great deal of effort and energy. Your collaboration with your therapist and SEA's buddies will be of invaluable support on this journey of recovery. The twelve steps of the SEA's program provide you additional assistance in your goal of recovery. Hard work, persistence, patience, and a sense of faith and hope will pay off in the end as you begin to feel the glow of healing self-esteem.

This process is filled with setbacks & relapses & you must accept this as part of the human condition. If you fall off the wagon of recovery, get right back up & keep on going. No one but you can keep you from your goal of increased self-esteem.

Healthy adult self-esteem

The goal of the SEA's program is to assist you to increase in healthy self–esteem. Healthy self–esteem results from your accepting yourself for who you are. Self–esteem is a consequence of your recognition of your self–worth by the self–affirmation of your competency, intellect, talent, skills, and abilities. Refer to Figure 3 as you proceed with the description of healthy adult self–esteem.

Adults with healthy self–esteem hold themselves as: worthy to be loved and to love others; worthy to be cared for and to care for others; worthy to be nurtured and to nurture others; worthy to be touched and supported and to touch and support others; worthy to be listened to and to listen to others; worthy to be recognized and to recognize others; worthy to be encouraged and to encourage others; worthy to be reinforced as "good'' people and to recognize others as "good'' people.

People with healthy self–esteem have a productive personality; they have achieved success to the best of their ability in school, work, and society. They are capable of being creative, imaginative problem solvers and risk takers. They are optimistic in their approach to life and the attainment of their personal goals.

People with healthy self–esteem are leaders and skillful in dealing with people. They are neither too independent nor too dependent on others. They have the ability to size up a relationship and adjust to the demands of the interaction.

Adults with high self–esteem have healthy self–concepts and self–image. Their perception of themselves is in synchrony with the picture they project to others. They are able to state clearly who they are, what their future potential is, and to what they are committed in life. They are able to declare what they deserve to receive in their lifetime. They have a sense of deservedness which allows them to reap good things in life.

People with high self–esteem are able to accept the responsibility for and consequences of their actions. They do not resort to shifting the blame or using others as scapegoats for actions that have resulted in a negative outcome. They are altruistic. They have a legitimate concern for the welfare of others. They are not self–centered or egotistical in their outlook on life. They do not take on the responsibility for others in an overresponsible way. They help others accept the responsibility for their own actions. They are, however, always ready to help anyone who legitimately needs assistance or guidance.

Adults with high self–esteem have healthy coping skills. They are able to handle the stresses in their lives in a productive way. They are able to put the problems, concerns, issues, and conflicts that come their way into perspective. They are able to keep their lives in perspective without becoming too idealistic or too morose. They have a good sense of humor and are able to keep a balance of work and fun in their lives.

Adults with healthy self–esteem look to the future with excitement, a sense of adventure and optimism. They recognize their potential for success and visualize their success in the future. They have dreams, aspirations, and hopes for the future. They are goal–oriented with a sense of balance in working toward their goals. They know from where they have come, where they are now, and where they are going.

For any environment to support the development of healthy adult self–esteem, it must contain:

Recognition and acceptance of people for who they are. To base such recognition and acceptance on the condition that they must first conform to a prescribed standard of behavior or conduct is unhealthy. Unconditional recognition and acceptance given in the form of support allows individuals to reach their ultimate potential.

Clearly defined and enforced limits known to individuals with no hidden tricks or manipulation. Limits set the structure for the lives of individuals, allowing clear benchmarks of appropriate and inappropriate behavior. Limits enable individuals to recognize their responsibilities and to chart their course of behavior in a rational way.

Respect and latitude for individual action within the defined limits of the environment. This encourages individuals to use their creativity, ingenuity, and imagination to be productive within the established structure. Restrictions that suppress individuality can lead to a narrow focus, with people becoming stunted and handicapped in the use of their personal skills, abilities, and resources.

Established freedom within the structure. This enables individuals to develop a sense of personal autonomy. If they are too tied down and inhibited, they could become resentful and eventually rebellious against the prescribed structures in their environment. Being given the freedom of self–expression within the established rules and norms allows individuals to explore their potential to its fullest; thus there is a greater possibility of becoming successful, healthy achievers.

Healthy adult self–esteem is the goal of the SEA's program. Achieving and sustaining full healthy self–esteem is a lifelong project needing ongoing vigilance, effort, and energy

Conditions which make environments unhealthy or dysfunctional

• One or more members is alcoholic or dependent on drugs & the others protect the users

• One or more members is addicted to food, gambling, sex, or to some other form of dependent behavior & the others protect the users

• One or more member is materialistic & values "things'' to the exclusion of "persons''

• One or more member is suffering from a mental illness & the others don't deal well this

• A major disaster befalls the environment:

• death of a member

• facility destroyed either due to act of God or of man

• a member is murdered, raped, or is critically injured

• a major accident result in permanent disability or death

• severe financial problems, e.g., bankruptcy, long periods of unemployment, poverty

• One or more member is a physical, emotional, or sexual abuser of the others

• One or more members is a workaholic

Specifically within families:

• One or more members is rigid in the expression of feelings or emotions with the others

• One or more members is incapable of displaying physical affection openly to the others

• One or more members is incapable of developing an intimate relationship with the others

• A child with a developmental disability is born into the environment

• The environment is forced into a "single parent'' model due to divorce, death or the excessive traveling of a spouse

• A major illness befalls a environment member, resulting in permanent disability or chronic illness

Negative consequences of being in a dysfunctional environment

Living in a dysfunctional environment for an extended period of time can result in low self-esteem which results in: 

• irrational beliefs

• disabling guilt

• a inability to trust others

• a sense of personal insecurity

• a fear of being vulnerable

• an inability to take risks

• fear of failure

• fear of success

• an inability to let go

• an inability to have fun & play

• immobilizing fears

• an inability to manage stress

• an inability to accept personal responsibility

• problems with denial

• unresolved anger

• problems handling the despair of loss

• problems accepting change

• problems in interpersonal relationships

• problems in handling conflict

• problems in problem solving

• fear of rejection

• an insatiable need for approval

• an inability to be assertive

• a problem being victim &/or martyr

• problems with power & control issues

• problems with intimacy

• problems with competition

• an inability to forgive & forget

• a tendency to develop an overactive fantasy life

• problems in communication

• compulsive behavior, e.g., perfectionist, very orderly, meticulous, inflexible

Common rules in an unhealthy environments

• Every member of the environment should experience anger but should stifle it or stuff it in.

• Every environment member should have low self-esteem.

• Every environment member should feel insecure, uncomfortable & off balance.

• There should be incomplete, unsatisfactory, poor communication between environment members.

• Honesty & candor should be stifled for the sake of peace & harmony in the environment.

• Everyone should always be on guard & they should always prove their worth to each other.

• No one should be given acceptance unconditionally. They should only receive acceptance & love based on meeting specific conditions or expectations.

• No one is allowed to give up their expected or anticipated role, personality trait, or behavioral pattern they have adopted in the environment.

• Don't say anything to anyone else unless it's nice, pleasant & non-confrontational.

• Avoid conflicts at all costs; lie if you must to avoid conflicts.

• Every environment member should stifle, control & keep their feelings to themselves.

• Adults are the only ones who know anything; the input of children is useless.

• Don't change anything in the environment, the goal of the environment is to maintain the status quo.

• There are taboo topics never to be discussed in this environment. These topics include sex, drugs, alcohol, birth control, quarreling among the members & the excessive or compulsive behavior of individual environment members.

• Someone has to feel like a winner after any disagreement, argument, or fight; there should never be a complete resolution of these events.

• No one has permission to grow or change in this environment.

• The outside world should see this environment only as the "perfect, all American'' environment.

• There is no need to hold back physical or emotional punishment if someone has done wrong. All wrong doers deserve to be punished.

• Each environment member plays an expected role in the environment; this provides the environment with some sense & order.

Common feelings experienced in dysfunctional environments

• rejection   

• hurt

• disapproval     

• pain

• lack of acceptance     

• guilt

• lack of support   

• disillusionment

• being blamed  

• anger

• being put down       

• lack of success

• being appeased    

• loneliness

• being ignored   

• fear

• being scolded  

• uncared for

• being victimized  

• worthless

• being inadequate  

• restless

• overresponsibility  

• confusion

• irresponsibility  

• disappointment

• failure   

• anxiety

• fear of conflict    

• insecurity

• hungry for attention   

• scared

• indifference toward others   

• worried

• off balance  

• ugly

How to Role play dysfunctional elements in an unhealthy environment

Here is an activity you can do with your friends or support group that will allow you all to experience feelings present in dysfunctional & unhealthy environments.

Try this role-playing activity whenever you or one of your friends or support group members needs to see a three-dimensional reproduction of a dysfunctional environment. This can give the insight needed for change in behavior, feelings & attitudes in order to pursue healthier behavior in your current life.

Environmental Role-Play Activity

DIRECTIONS:

1. Choose different people to play the role of each member of your environment.

2. Tell each player their name, what relationship they are to you (e.g., co-worker, supervisor, manager, father, mother, brother, sister, etc.) & what role or attitude they brought to the environment using the roles for environmental role playing.

3. Choose people to play the "sick'' behavior, dead or absent people, responsibilities, or other relevant issues in the environment.

4. Ask each of the players to assume a position that is appropriate to their role.

5. Ask them to hold the positions for about 5 minutes & then ask each one of them how it feels to be in that role.

6. Now ask them to re-enact a specific time in your life in the specific environment which you're role-playing, that you remember graphically & that seems to lie at the basis of a current feeling of pain or hurt.

7. As this aspect of your life is re-enacted, tune into your feelings. With the help of your group, try to figure out what those feelings tell you & what you need to work on to attain healthy life.

8. It's useful to have a professional mental health counselor or psychodramatist lead this role-playing activity so that all involved can obtain the optimal benefit from the experience.

How to identify if you have been a part of unhealthy environments 

1. Was your school environment unhealthy and dysfunctional?

In your journal answer these questions:

1. List each of the schools you attended in your life and target a school environment which you think was unhealthy and dysfunctional for you

2. List which characteristics of unhealthy or dysfunctional environments were true for the target school.

3. List which conditions of unhealthy or dysfunctional environments existed in your target school.

4. List the following information for members of your target school that you remember:

• What "sick,'' unhealthy, or maladaptive behavior they had or currently have

• What "roles'' they played in the dysfunctional school setting

•  How they appeared to the world

• What physical characteristics made them stand out in your school

5. List the negative consequences or unproductive behavior your school mates experienced from being in this school environment.

6. List what rules of unhealthy environments were true for your target school.

7. List how each member handled guilt.

8. List the hidden feelings each member was most likely experiencing in your target school.

9. List those feelings that:

• you experienced in your target school when you were there

• you experience when you return "home'' to visit with your target school

• you're currently experiencing as you work on this exercise.

10. List which of your current problem personality traits you believe are the result of being involved in your target dysfunctional school.

11. List the signs of the need for help for you in order to redirect your life to better health.

2. Was your work environment unhealthy & dysfunctional?

In your journal answer these questions:

1. List each of the places of employment you worked at in your life and target a work environment which you think was unhealthy and dysfunctional for you

2. List which characteristics of unhealthy or dysfunctional environments were true for the target work place.

3. List which conditions of unhealthy or dysfunctional environments existed in your target work place.

4. List the following information for members of your target work place that you remember:

• What "sick,'' unhealthy, or maladaptive behavior they had or currently have

• What "roles'' they played in the dysfunctional work setting

• How they appeared to the world

• What physical characteristics made them stand out in your work setting

5. List the negative consequences or unproductive behavior your work mates experienced from being in this work environment.

6. List what rules of unhealthy environments were true for your target work place.

7. List how each member handled guilt.

8. List the hidden feelings each member was most likely experiencing in your target work place.

9. List those feelings that:

• you experienced in your target work place when you were there

• you experience when you return "home'' to visit with your target work place

• you're currently experiencing as you work on this exercise.

10. List which of your current problem personality traits you believe are the result of being involved in your target dysfunctional target work place.

11. List the signs of the need for help for you in order to redirect your life to better health.

3. Was you family unhealthy or dysfunctional? 

In your journal answer these questions:

1. Supply the following information for yourself

• Father's name and age he married mom

• Mother's name and age she married dad

• Brothers' names and birth dates

• Sisters' names and birth dates

• Names and birth dates of any relatives who lived with your family of origin

• Date parents married

• Date parents divorced (if they did)

• Date parent(s) died (if they did)

• What parent(s) died of

• Age parent(s) died

• Date parent(s) remarried (if they did)

• Names of stepparent(s) (if they exist)

2. List the following information for each of your family members: 

• What "sick,'' unhealthy, or maladaptive behavior they had or currently have

• What "roles'' they played in the family

• How they appeared to the world

• What physical characteristics made them stand out in your family

• For the list of you and your siblings

  • educational accomplishments

  • work history and current career status

  • marital history and current family make up

• What physical illnesses or conditions each family member may have

• If any family members have died, when did they and why did they die?

3. List which characteristics of unhealthy or dysfunctional families were true for your family of origin.

4. List which conditions of unhealthy or dysfunctional environments existed in your family.

5. List the negative consequences or unproductive behavior each of your family members experienced from living in your family.

6. List what rules of unhealthy environments were true for your family of origin.

7. List how each family member handled guilt.

8. List the hidden feelings each family member was most likely experiencing in your family of origin.

9. List those feelings that:

• you experienced in your family of origin when you lived in it

• you experience when you return "home'' to visit with your family of origin

• you're currently experiencing as you work on this exercise.

10. List which of your current problem personality traits you believe are the result of being reared in your dysfunctional family.

11. List which of your current problem behavior traits are also current problem behavior traits for your parents and siblings.

12. List the signs of the need for help for you and your family members in order to redirect your lives to better health.

13. Compare your family of origin with the families of origin of your father and mother. List the similarities of dysfunctional elements shared by these 3 families.

14. Compare your family of origin with your current nuclear family. List the similarities of dysfunctional elements shared by your two families.

15. Compare your family of origin with the family of origin of your current spouse (if you're married) or with the family of origin of your former spouse(s). List the similarities of dysfunction shared by your family of origin, current family and the family of your spouse(s).

16. Look at your spouse (current or former) and list the dysfunctional elements that the spouse brought to your relationship. Compare them to the dysfunctional elements you brought to the relationship.

17. What was it about your spouse(s) that attracted you?

How aware were you both of the dysfunctional elements in both of your backgrounds before getting involved with each other?

How would knowing this information have influenced your decision to get involved?

How did your individual backgrounds influence your relationship together?

18. What age were you when you first realized there were problems:

(1) in your family of origin

(2) in your marital relationship

(3) in your current family?

What were the signs of trouble?

How did you deal or cope with the problem?

What problems are still causing you stress and trouble today?